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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591293">You Are My Blue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanaiku/pseuds/hanaiku'>hanaiku</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I can't do sex scene so I'm making them short, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, We Die Like Men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:33:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanaiku/pseuds/hanaiku</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Since the first time Seungkwan looked at Hansol, he knew this boy was out of his league. From his smile, eyes, voice, and face—everything just screamed at him that he would never be Seungkwan's. </p><p>Seungkwan was careful since then. Afraid that any wrong step would bring him to his doom that was falling for Hansol.</p><p><br/>
</p><p>
  <em>You are my blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As if it was always like this</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fills me with longing</em>
</p><p><br/>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>108</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Are My Blue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by Taeyeon - Blue<br/>Listening to the song while reading this would be better.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since the first time Seungkwan looked at Hansol, he knew this boy was out of his league. From his smile, eyes, voice, and face—his face was the hardest to watch as it tortured him with so much desire—everything just screamed at him that he would never be Seungkwan's.</p><p>Seungkwan was careful since then. Afraid that any wrong step would bring him to his doom, falling for Hansol. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The word love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The word that resembles you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungkwan found himself falling faster than he thought, too fast that he couldn't catch himself.</p><p>He was staring at the playful eyes Hansol sent at him. "Kwanie, are you not going to enjoy the party?"</p><p>"I am not here for that, <em>Sollie</em>."</p><p>Hansol smiled hearing the nickname. He had always liked the way Seungkwan called him by his nickname, he said it sounded like they had a connection. Seungkwan couldn't tell him that he didn't want a connection. He didn't want to feel special. Not when it was just false hope.</p><p>"I didn't try that hard to get you here just to sulk in the corner." Hansol pulled him closer. Seungkwan foolishly let himself be pulled—telling himself that his body was just weaker than Hansol.</p><p>In no more than an hour, Seungkwan felt himself dizzy from alcohol. His eyes landed on Hansol who was making out with some older man and decided to go for a dance. He was soon met with some strange faces he wouldn't even remember tomorrow. At east these faces were not Hansol, it was okay to fall for them.</p><p>That simple fact calmed his beating heart.</p><p>Although he couldn't deny that it hurt him as well.</p><p>"You don't look good," suddenly, Seokmin—his best friend who threw the party—was standing beside Seungkwan.</p><p>Seungkwan couldn't control the grin that appeared on his face. He hugged Seokmin.</p><p>"Seungkwan, are you okay?" Seokmin sounded too concerned. A frown appeared on Seungkwan's face. Seokmin shouldn't be sad, it was his party. "Come on, just sleep in my room tonight."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The word love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The word that can’t be reached</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungkwan was fast asleep for the rest of the party. He only woke up when it was hours after the party ended. Only because he felt a familiar body hugged him from behind. He didn't try to hide that he was awake.</p><p>"Kwan, I thought you went home," Hansol whispered. His hug tighten around Seungkwan's waist.</p><p>Seungkwan's heart raced uncomfortably. He tried to pry away Hansol's hands off of him, but it insisted to stay.</p><p>"I can't drive," Seungkwan muttered as a halfhearted reply.</p><p>"I figured," without notice, Hansol flipped the older as he hovered on top. His eyes were unfocused. It was looking for something that Seungkwan couldn't understand.</p><p>"You are still drunk," Seungkwan blurted out what he observed.</p><p>Hansol dropped himself on top of Seungkwan. His face rested comfortably on Seungkwan's chest. "Yeah, I know." Hansol was caressing Seungkwan's cheek as he mumbled something incoherent.</p><p>"What did you say?" Seungkwan nervously asked. Totally aware that Hansol could hear his fast beating heart.</p><p>"Nothing important," Hansol replied as he glanced up at Seungkwan. He still had that look on him. It was too unbearable to look at but Seungkwan held his gaze.</p><p>The next thing he knew, Hansol was bringing his face closer. Too close, Seungkwan's mind supplied, it would only lead to disaster. So, Seungkwan looked away. Before he was brought back to face Hansol's angry face.</p><p>"Don't," the younger said as he lunged forward and kissed Seungkwan harshly.</p><p>"Hansol, what are you doing?" Seungkwan said immediately as they separated themselves to catch their breath. He panicked, he knew Hansol wasn't in his right mind.</p><p>"Shut up, <em>Hyung</em>. Just enjoy it while it last," Hansol words pierced through him like a sharpened knife. He was doing this just for fun, very Hansol-like behavior. Seungkwan sighed in compliance as he let himself be ravished.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m still afraid</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pretending to be okay</em>
</p><p> </p><p>They weren't even that close before. Only meeting when their mutual friends demanded them to come. Occasionally together when they had the same class in the university. They didn't even text.</p><p>They still didn't text. Not even when Hansol started coming to his apartment frequently every other day. </p><p>Seungkwan was on Hansol's lap, calming himself down after they shared a heated kiss session in the living room. "You should tell me if you are coming," he blurted out.</p><p>"Why should I?" Hansol smirked as he pecked Seungkwan's lips. "You're going to be home anyway. You never go out."</p><p>Seungkwan rolled his eyes at the mocking tone Hansol was using. "Unlike you, I have many things to work on."</p><p>Hansol snickered as he kissed Seungkwan's jaw. "Sure," he replied. </p><p>Seungkwan was going to stand up and take out his favorite snack from the refrigerator when Hansol decided it was time to do something brave and dumb. He grinded at Seungkwan. Making both of them gasped in the process.</p><p>Seungkwan widened his eyes as he was frozen from shock.</p><p>"Kwanie, why don't we try something new?" Hansol continued grinding his hips as he talked conversationally. Seungkwan shook his head fiercely.  </p><p>He should know by now that Hansol wasn't someone who would back off easily. It took him a little more heated kisses and Hansol's deep voice asking him if he could fuck him before he submitted himself completely.</p><p>It took a lot of energy out of him to convince himself that Hansol was just seeking pleasure through him. As Hansol thrust himself deeper and further into Seungkwan's body and heart, he repeated on his head that he couldn't fall in love.</p><p>Hansol kissed him feverishly as he pounded harder before he came. Seungkwan followed him soon after, body completely tired from Hansol's force.</p><p>"Fuck, you are so hot," Hansol whispered as he peppered Seungkwan with kisses.</p><p>"You're so fucking blind."</p><p>Hansol laughed at the snarky remark.   </p><p>"Let's sleep in my room. I'm tired," Seungkwan managed to gather himself from his weakest state. He felt his body ached from the uncomfortable position he was being put on the sofa.</p><p>"Let's fuck once more and then sleep," Hansol was still kissing Seungkwan. Marking his chest with bite marks as well. A habit he had developed since the first time they made out.</p><p>"But I'm tired," Seungkwan complained.</p><p>Hansol pecked his lips and whispered, "don't worry you'll like it."</p><p>Seungkwan closed his eyes as he braced himself when Hansol entered him for the second time. He hated to see the look of satisfaction on Hansol face. It was as if he had the world on his hand.</p><p>But Seungkwan was never his world. His brain chanted maddeningly. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I can’t do this</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m still afraid</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungkwan and Hansol decided to come together when Seokmin and Jisoo texted them separately to hang out together on a weekend. Seungkwan was honestly afraid of the implied declaration by coming together. But the look on Hansol told him that none of it would happen. Everything would remain as secret to them only.</p><p>"Were you guys together?" Seokmin eyed Hansol suspiciously.</p><p>"We were hanging out," Hansol said casually.</p><p>"I didn't know you two are close," Jisoo added. His reception was different from Seokmin. He looked content seeing his friends getting close.</p><p>"We were just bored," Seungkwan added before Hansol could say anything stupid, "we are not that close."</p><p>"Right." Hansol added.</p><p>Seokmin was looking at Seungkwan with piercing eyes. Seungkwan looked at him back with practiced confusion. He succeeded making Seokmin to look away after a while, although he didn't feel good about it.</p><p>"By the way," Jisoo said as he tapped the table on Hansol's side to get his attention. "How is your girl?"</p><p>That catched Seungkwan attention completely. Hansol looked bored instead.</p><p>"Girl?" Hansol asked.</p><p>"Yeah, you are close with Hana these days, right?" Jisoo didn't seem to realize how tense Seungkwan had become as he continued.</p><p>"We are not a thing."</p><p>"That's a big lie. You have a date with her tomorrow."</p><p>Seungkwan didn't pay any attention to the conversation anymore. He just looked at his newly arrived coffee, stirring it until it was too cold and Hansol told him to drink it before they were leaving.</p><p>He even backed off when Hansol tried to kiss him goodbye after he dropped Seungkwan in front of his apartment. Hansol didn't say anything at that, he just stroked Seungkwan's hair softly and waved his hand. His happy smile bothered Seungkwan even more.</p><p>Seungkwan saw a text from Seokmin as he closed the door behind him, <em>'What's with you and Hansol?'</em></p><p>Seungkwan texted him back, <em>'Nothing, trust me.'</em></p><p>His phone buzzed as soon as his message was sent, <em>'Don't try to lie. I saw you and him after the party at my place.'</em></p><p><em>'Hyung, believe me. There is nothing between us.' </em>Seungkwan was being honest actually. There was really nothing between them. As fake as it sounded, it was still the truth.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>As I get one step farther</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My sighs get exceptionally deeper</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Today the television shows felt a little bit harder to watch. Seungkwan couldn't keep his focus in front of him. His mind kept thinking how Hansol was spending his date with someone else not him.</p><p>It didn't feel great when he recognized that he was falling deeper. He was supposed to be careful. But careful never worked well when faced with persistent Hansol.</p><p>The doorbell was ringing exceptionally loudly as it broke his pondering. He opened the door expecting Seokmin to kill himself with his nagging. Yet he was faced with Hansol's wide grin.</p><p>"What are you doing?" He asked without thinking.</p><p>"I usually came like this. You never minded," Hansol answered as he walked pass Seungkwan to throw himself on Seungkwan's sofa. "Why the fuck are you watching news?"</p><p>"Hansol," Seungkwan stood in front of the younger.</p><p>"What?" Hansol looked up bashfully. He looked at Seungkwan only for a short moment before giving his attention to the show again. "If you're going to ask about the date. It sucked, we are never meeting each other again."</p><p>Seungkwan sighed. He took the remote and turned off the television completely.</p><p>"Seriously, what's with you?" Hansol took the remote from Seungkwan's hand forcefully.</p><p>"You should stop coming here," Seungkwan said in between his erratic heart beats. </p><p>"Why should I?" Hansol asked as if he didn't know the answer himself.</p><p>"Don't be stupid," Seungkwan brushed his hair in frustration as he became more emotional. "This girl might not be it. But you're going to meet someone someday. Meeting me like this is just wrong."</p><p>Hansol didn't even say anything when he took Seungkwan to his bedroom. He didn't explain or try to make things better in anyway. He just threw Seungkwan on his bed. Kissing and marking him like he wouldn't be able to kiss him anymore.</p><p>Even the way he took off his and Seungkwan's clothes was really rough. He prepared Seungkwan's entrance not so gently as if asking him to feel it tomorrow—to regret everything that was happening.</p><p>Seungkwan clung to him as Hansol gripped on him with brute strength. Inserting himself to the warmth as he was blinded by rage. Seungkwan should stop themselves, but he didn't want to. This might be last time he could feel Hansol all for himself, only for him.</p><p>Seungkwan didn't know when he started crying. He only realized it himself after Hansol came and sobbed on his shoulder.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Kwan. I'm so sorry, please don’t cry," Seungkwan sobbed a little bit harder after hearing him.</p><p>It took a while before they could clear their mind completely. Seungkwan knew it wouldn't end nicely if he and Hansol were staying in the same room and relied on their emotion. He asked Hansol to leave. Hansol obliged easily. He kissed Seungkwan goodbye with his sad eyes that Seungkwan couldn't erase from his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>My day remains the same</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A maze filled with you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungkwan didn't meet Hansol for weeks. It was awful to realize how his world still remained the same with or without Hansol. The only difference was he was spending more time alone without Hansol. Exactly how he usually spent his time before Hansol came into the picture.</p><p>The problem was he couldn't stop thinking about the younger. Not even one second. Everything was just like before, but only himself changed for the worse.</p><p>He called Seokmin to come, not wanting to keep more secret to his closest friend. He didn't expect Seokmin to hug him and tell him, "it's alright. You're going to be fine."</p><p>"This is why I shouldn't fall for him in the first place. I'll only make myself miserable." </p><p>Seungkwan sobbed for a really long time. He felt a little bit more at ease knowing he had someone on his back. When Seokmin went home, Seungkwan could finally look at the television shows and understand what was going on there, not being too distracted anymore.</p><p>Several days passed like a blur. He was at least getting better. He knew Hansol was doing fine too. He still heard how Hansol remained being the social butterfly he was. So, he texted Chan—Hansol's dorm roommate—if Hansol was in the room. It was time to put a closure.</p><p><em>'Why did you text me, Hyung?' </em>Came Chan's reply in a second. Another message came again, <em>'you should text him.'</em></p><p><em>'I don't want him to run away.' </em>He replied.</p><p>Walking to the dormitory was less worrying than several weeks before, when he actually tried to reach Hansol in his dazed mind. He was glad he stopped then, before he made a fool of himself.</p><p><em>'Key is below the carpet. He is probably sleeping.' </em>Seungkwan read the last text Chan sent him.</p><p>He opened the door to find a complete mess. There was an ungodly amount of alcohol scattered on the floor. Papers on the desk were falling down as well, making it messier than it already was. Only one side of the room got really messy, he could guess it was Hansol's side since the boy was sleeping there.</p><p>Hansol's bed wasn't even made properly. He didn't even use the pillow.</p><p>Seungkwan reached him to place the pillow below his head. He had to get close to Hansol's face as he did so. He saw Hansol's eyes slowly fluttered open as he handled him carefully.</p><p>Something grabbed Seungkwan's hand with hesitation. It was Hansol's hand. He then cupped Seungkwan's face delicately, afraid of breaking anything.</p><p>In front of him, Hansol's eyes were looking at Seungkwan's—it was so full of regret and sadness. Like the eyes he saw in the mirror this morning. He caressed the younger face in front of him, feeling how much thinner he was getting. </p><p>Seungkwan didn't know what lead him into doing something really stupid. He surged forward, kissed Hansol on the lips. The younger froze completely for a really long minutes before pushing him away.</p><p>"Don't do this to me," Hansol said weakly. Seungkwan could feel him trembling below him.</p><p>The trembling hadn't stopped even as he waited. Seungkwan placed himself to lay beside Hansol. He hugged the younger on his chest and stroked his head in hope it would calm him. </p><p>"Why are you here, <em>Hyung</em>?"</p><p>"Don't call me Hyung. It's like you are angry," Seungkwan sighed. He still didn't stop his act.</p><p>"Answer my question, <em>Hyung</em>." Hansol stressed the nickname as if daring Seungkwan to stop him. Of course, Seungkwan couldn't stop him. He could never do anything against the younger.</p><p>"I was going to ask you if we can stay as friends and—"</p><p>"Stop! It's not possible, <em>Hyung</em>. I know you probably think I was playing with you all this time. It is half true, I was playing at first. You seemed to dislike me so much. But—Fuck—playing with you was playing with fire. I fucking fell for you, I couldn't be just friend."</p><p>Seungkwan laughed at the sudden confession. He did guess Hansol's feeling for him, but only after he opened that door leading to this disaster. They should have talked sooner. It would make things easier for them.</p><p>"If you think my feelings are funny. Please just leave," Hansol snarked at him as his hug got even tighter.</p><p>"I can't leave if you are clinging to me," Seungkwan joked weakly. "But I haven't finished my sentence, you know."</p><p>Hansol gripped his waist with so much strength after hearing him talk. "Don't even try to finish it. You are going to friendzone me. I fucking know it. Please just spare me the talk." </p><p>Seungkwan tried to wriggle himself out from Hansol's awful hug. He was too weak but at least he could grab Hansol's chin and make him finally face Seungkwan. "What give you the impression that I don't want anything to do with you? You’re hot."</p><p>"Come on," Hansol tried to look away from the intense glare. "Everyone was talking about how you think of me as a bug who was bothering you all the time. Try to look at your face whenever I got just a little closer to you."</p><p>"Do I look like I hate you?"</p><p>Exasperated sighs were out from Hansol's mouth before he could control it. Seungkwan could see how much Hansol struggled to keep himself intact. "Yes," He managed to let out a coherent word.</p><p>"That's funny," Seungkwan said conversationally. As if he wasn't getting crazy from the pounding on his chest and the rush of adrenaline. "I actually like you since day one. Even before you do."</p><p>Hansol stilled. "Don't joke with me. This is not funny, <em>Hyung</em>."</p><p>"Can't you fucking hear how fast my heart was beating?" Seungkwan frowned. Hansol was going to get on his nerves if he was still going to act dumb. "Do you still think I was joking?"</p><p>Hansol took a little time to observe Seungkwan. Looking at every sign that would possibly tell him he was just lying. But there should be none, Seungkwan bared his soul right at this moment to express everything what he wanted to say.</p><p>"Fuck," Hansol surged forward to kiss Seungkwan. It wasn't any different from how they usually kissed. The pounding on his chest was just as loud. Every touch was just as hot. Everything was just like before, only they finally changed for the better.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You are my blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As if it was always like this</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seungkwan liked being the little spoon after he had sex. But he never let himself be held by Hansol as he was afraid to feel so weak and exposed. Now that he finally could let himself open in front of the younger. Being the little spoon felt so much better.</p><p>"Are you tired?" Hansol asked as he kissed Seungkwan's forehead.</p><p>"A bit," Seungkwan answered. Well, he was extremely tired to be honest.</p><p>"Then, can we have another round?"</p><p>Seungkwan looked at Hansol who has this innocent look on his face. Completely not ashamed of himself and just so fucking cute. Seungkwan's glare faltered for a second before it was back reminding him that he still had classes tomorrow and being able to walk was kind of important.</p><p>"No," He answered finally. Hansol had the decency to pout at him.</p><p>The door was suddenly unlocked and faint noises from outside could be heard. Seungkwan immediately thought of Chan.</p><p>"I know I expected this but like can you guys have sex somewhere else?" Chan said casually as he walked inside to put his bag down. All the while, Hansol was trying to cover Seungkwan's nakedness with his blanket and clothes.</p><p>"I am going to take a bath for a very long time. I hope it's enough for you guys to get the fuck out of here."</p><p>Honestly, Seungkwan was less scared and more amused at the nonchalant act yet harsh words used by Chan. He just laughed while Hansol turned beet red. "Sure, Chan."</p><p>Chan was going to take a step inside the bathroom before he looked at Seungkwan. His expression turned softer as he said, "thank you, Seungkwan hyung."</p><p>The body beside Seungkwan stiffen immediately. Seungkwan looked at Hansol, he could feel his smile growing on his own face. He could stop it but he wouldn't this time. </p><p>"My pleasure, Chan." Seungkwan replied at Chan as he held his gaze on Hansol.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You are my blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As if it was always like this</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You are my blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fills me with longing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s beautiful even when it spreads</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The word love</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The word that resembles you</em>
</p><p> </p>
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